Day 139: Tsunami Sam

I’ve been perusing the Internet looking for an appropriate word for how I feel about myself at the moment. I tried to find the root origin of “suck eggs” and concluded I am not a canine who has trouble with stopping myself from sucking chicken eggs nor am I in an uncomfortable situation that makes me look odd. I searched for the word “suck,” to grasp a greater understanding of the word, and ended up with synonyms like “drink from straw.” I was about to ask Google God about “bitch,” but decided I’d had enough reading about dogs. So here I am, debating in my mind what I am feeling, who I am, and where I belong on this damn earth.

Some things I’ve decided are very hard for me today:

1)      Being married

2)      Eating food

3)      Moving my body

Hmmmmm. No wonder I’m a mess.

I try to be very positive and uplifting—other people tend to be appreciative and accept me when I wipe on my smiling face. The problem occurs when I wipe off the smile; not everyone tends to stick around so readily when disgruntled Sam appears. Silly, really, how folks like the fair-weather Sam, and run from the storm in me—natural instinct I suppose. Maybe that’s why my good friends are the types that aren’t too much afraid of natural disasters: living in earthquake zones, flash flood areas, and potential tsunami states.

I am in a potential tsunami state right now. I’ve been triggered, and am thusly harboring a wave as the ground shifts beneath me. Some of the ground shifting is a result of my short list above. I can sum up number two and three on my list fairly easily. Eating is hard because I am sensitive to everything I put in my system. Moving is hard because of chronic pain. Every food affects me at a physical and mental level. When I consume wheat and most grains, I become fatigued, depressed, and sometimes border on thoughts of paranoia about my health. Sugar often causes instant pain. And any type of food, except perhaps a piece of cooked fish with no seasoning, causes my stamina to decrease by half. Precise to say, sometimes I avoid eating all together.

Doctors and other health professionals have diagnosed me with about ten or so different health conditions; and each condition can harbor a strong potential to cause chronic pain. But I like to pretend they are all wrong. And can do fairly well at faking it till I make it, until the wave sets in, and I feel like I’m about to crash, and take out an entire village with me.

When the physical pain hits hard, my immediate reaction is always the same: denial. How can I be doing so well for a month and then, out of the blue, feel like I got run over by a truck?

Then blame sets in. What did I do wrong? Did I eat something wrong? How did I allow this to happen? Am I stressed? Why am I stressed?

Then resentment comes with her evil head. Why me? This isn’t fair. I hate this.

And then I collapse. A curled up not-so-friendly kitten on the couch, unable to move, unable to do anything really, but complain and act like a person whom has had her favorite treasures stolen: energy and serenity. The trick for me is letting go, and letting the cycle pass. If I could learn to shut off my mind, stop the fight, and just surrender to a day of not moving and not getting “anything” done, then I would be all the better for it. But I have this thing about control…especially control of my own body.

This leads me to marriage. The original title of this post was going to be: Why It Sucks Being Married to Me. But I thought that was just a wee bit too self-demeaning and seriously similar to putting a firing-squad to my ego. Not that ego doesn’t deserve to be taken down every once in a while. I’m just not ready to annihilate him all together.

But I do know I’m not an easy person to live with. I sometimes wonder if life would be easier if I was single. Mostly so I could retreat in isolation and wallow in self-pity. I lived alone in my early twenties. I remember. I was in a constant state of panic and fret. Anxiety lurched around every corner. I was even afraid to leave the house and walk across the parking lot to do laundry. I’ve grown and matured some in the last twenty years. I think I could manage a laundry facility okay on my own. I wonder about all the other elements of life, though. Too many to mention, or even list.

Don’t get me wrong. I like me. I have plenty wonderful qualities to offer a spouse. It’s just, living with me, is like living with a lion let loose from a cage at a circus. I’m trained and all. I’ve learned how I’m expected to act. I try my best. I even love the people around me: they feed me, they provide shelter, they even give me a stage in which to receive praise. And I love them for their unique spirits, too. It’s just I long to be in the wild and free, without restriction, without having to follow a role, having to be something I am not.

And I tend to lash out unexpectedly; from an onlooker’s point of view, I probably appear to lash out from nothing. But there are always triggers. Whether the food intolerance, the surmounting physical pain, or my non-stop brain, something is always about that causes my reaction. Sometimes my reaction is to other people’s words and/or actions, a direct result of my rigid thinking. I carry high ideals. I cannot help this. I find it difficult to tolerate lies, betrayal, aggression, passivity, gluttony, rudeness, and avoidance behavior. And I have a hard time understanding why people do the things they do. I try. I try to be flexible and tolerant. Trouble is this brain of mine is hyper-sensitive much like my gut. And all this rubbish going on inside of me, turns me into a prickly prune—all wrinkled up in poutiness and spiked out with defense weapons. Picture a shriveled plum with sharpened toothpick spears stuck about.

That’s why a cave near the sea sounds nice about now. A warm cave that smells like real wild flowers, with soft organic bedding, no insects or other lurching animals, temperature of 76 degrees, no wind factor, no dampness, absolutely no mold, low humidity, only the sound of ocean water nearby and birds chirping, and absolutely a non-tsunami zone. That’s all I need. I semi-dark luxury-cave on an island inhabited by smiling, quiet, private people. Until the wave passes—just until the wave passes.

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49 thoughts on “Day 139: Tsunami Sam

  1. Robyn Lee says:

    Oh my Sam… I did not realize we had soooo much in common. This post just went right to my core. The food, the pain, the craving for freedom, the family dynamics… EVERYTHING! Though, my pain rarely gives me any breaks at all anymore… now seemingly progressive :( I started the chronic journey at 20 years ago though – and do remember having spells of being ok in earlier days…wish I could get there again….
    You have me thinking about so much here… is there something about our brain chemistry that puts us on this path? Are we at a different stage of human evolution than many others? Why are we so sensitive ~ and how to survive in a world that mostly will not get it?? If you do opt for the temporary residence at the Cave ~ I’m ever so happy to move to the one next door :) Sending you love today and always!! RL

    • Thanks so very much Robyn. After reading your about me page awhile back, I had a feeling you might relate, but I didn’t know you’d relate with all the aspects. It is comforting to know you understand. I am so sorry to hear that your pain is constant. Sigh. :( I think it is our spirit that keeps us so sensitive, and likely evolution, too. Yes, I would be happy to have you as a neighbor. Hang in there, and so happy you have your photos, words, and community to keep you going and motivated. I’m very thankful I have my blogging world…don’t know how I could manage without my new found friends. Wonderful to be authentic, though, even with the waves that come and go. Love right back to you, Robyn. Keep smiling. You are a lovely person inside and out. Sam :)

  2. Robyn Lee says:

    Always welcome Sam – and always here for you. I feel the same about the network on wordpress, it’s such a gift to have this connection to like-minded loving friends from across the globe!! Now I will have to share your post with my beloved husband and college daughter so they realize I am not an alien after all :) Perhaps evolution of spirit might be the answer… ride the waves Sam – and I will try to do the same over here ! Blessings and Love ~~ RL

  3. dilipnaidu says:

    Hi there Sam read your article and I do believe you are a very courageous person. Your thoughts like the last para on ‘cave near the sea…..’ are so positive and blissful. I had read Robyn’s blog earlier and I wish her well too. May I request you to read some energizing words by Swami Vivekananda who is respected globally at http://dilipnaidu.wordpress.com/2011/12/17/weekly-inspiration-3/

    Cheers and good wishes :)
    Dilip

  4. satprem33 says:

    Tsilly Tsunami Tsam~ The fair weather face is Brighter by virtue of dark clouds that tend to invade all of our moods, on occasion~ Bottom line for me, I would visit here as often if it was all cheer and happy poppies~ The pendulum “swings” are the meat I crave and the nature of the human condition~ Honestly, you could write about shoe leather and I would Have to come read it~ It is not always the content for me but moreover the Way you share your perception of this journey that has me spellbound~ WriteOn~! :-)

    • satprem33 says:

      What I meant was that I *Wouldn’t* visit here as often if it was all lollipops and lace~ Love the dance of duality as you can tell by what I write~ Thank you, Sam for Just Being *U*~!

    • That is such a cool line: “you could write about shoe leather.” That made me chuckle. Very nice compliment. Thanks so much for your kind words. I will write-on. :) Sam

  5. Angel says:

    Hey! Get out of my head! Tsunami Sam meet Hurricane Angel. Ha ha ha

    Strange… I think there may be several of us on this Aspie cycle. I am not taking away from what you are going through at all – I am relating very much and a cave sounds like heaven right about now. :-) (I ate wheat bread yesterday because I was on the run and had limited options. Sigh, I am SO feeling it today. I get all of the symptoms you shared above. It can be very frustrating.)

    I truly hope your pain lets up and you are feeling better soon. I am sorry you are going through this stuff, and have to ride the wave, but it always leads to splashes of wonderment and a shinier even brighter Sammy all covered in colors and tickling bubbles. You can roll your eyes at me and tell me to stop with all the optimism, but I won’t I tell you, I won’t! Lol!

    “I find it difficult to tolerate lies, betrayal, aggression, passivity, gluttony, rudeness, and avoidance behavior. And I have a hard time understanding why people do the things they do. I try.”

    Oh, my goodness! Yes, yes, yes!! Actually, I am saying yes to that whole paragraph.

    Lots of hugs and love filled with light to you!!

    • You twin….always we have so much in common. Amazes me!!! :) I had a better day once the sun came out. Miss the sun. I think more Aspies go through this than I realized. The pain cycle, food sensitivity, etc. Thanks so much for sharing. I love to read about your experience. You’re such a cool lady. Awesome Angel you. You’ve definitely earned your wings. Bubbles of light and love my friend ~ Sam :)

  6. joanneup says:

    This struck a nerve for me! First, I wish you a pain-free tomorrow, and many others. I have chronic pain as well, which comes and goes – mainly is constant after 17 years. When it is strong it robs me completely of my normally sunny disposition and worse, my creative juices dry up. I loved your analogy of the prune with toothpicks! There’s no place to express this, as my spouse has his own isssues and is fragile. I’m a faithful reader and find much inspiration here, though I only have some of the Asperger’s characteristics. But the mood changes and desire to isolate and be left alone you’ve shared here makes me feel less guilty for being the way I am when pain or energy zaps hit. Love and light, Joanne

    • I’m glad you liked the prune with toothpicks. That image fit well for me. Thank you for sharing. Your story means a lot to me. I feel like part of your journey now, and so hope you have good feeling days. Love and light to you, sweet Joanne. :) Sam

  7. onecoolgriff says:

    Before my mom takes the keyboard away from me, I want you to know that I am always available as a snuggler. I can lay very quietly and give you my gentle warmth and love for as long as you feel you need it. But since distance separates us, you just think of me there helping you through this. Lots of tender love to you Sammie- Rambo

    I am so sorry for the day you are having. It is especially hard after you’ve been riding the wave of happiness. It’s always terribly crushing and defeating. Reading your blogs with Rambo (when he allows me, as he’s a bit sensitive about me reading his blogs) has allowed me the pleasure of seeing the incredible person you are. Always being expected to be strong is a heavy burden to bear (speaking from many years of experience- and I do get so very tired some days). Others don’t understand that we sometimes need to go far away and just quiet our spirits and our souls so that we can come back and go on. And “far away” isn’t just a geographical distance. Many times I need to just go away into my own mind with no one pulling on my shirt-tail or talking in my ear.

    Chronic pain never lets you get away completely. And don’t blame yourself for what you could have/should have done, didn’t do, etc. You did not ask for the illnessses that beset you and would have chosen NOT to have them. But you have learned how to cope and in that light choose the best paths that you can.

    Hang in there for us, Sam. The sun is going to rise tomorrow, and who knows what wonderful things can happen then?

    Sending you warm blankets full of love, Sam!

    Rambo’s Mom

    • Rambo, you have one super cool mom!!!! She took the time to write me the sweetest and most super supportive comment. You take good care of that lady!!! Tell her thank you so much and that her words mean the world to me. I will take them to heart, and return to read on my harder days. Today turned out well in the end. Thank you for the blankets of love. HUGS, Sam :)

  8. People don’t have to like everything you do to accept that you have a right to be heard.

  9. Ah, Sam! {{{HUGS}}} Been right where you are, and I just want you to know that as much as it might suck right now, YOU don’t suck, and you’ll get through this and out the other side.

    I’ll include you in my healing meditations this week – best I can do from the other side of the world. Anyway, hang in there girlfriend. Much love to you xoxo

    • Thanks so much for your kind, kind words. Yes, I will get through this. The rest of the day got better and better. It comes in waves. Writing and then having people kind, like you, comment helped a lot. Thank you for including me in your healing meditations. I know you can understand, as I’ve read your bio on your other site. I will hang in there. Your words mean a lot to me. Love and Light bright you! ~ Sam :)

  10. Sue says:

    Oh, Sam, I so get this. I so so so so get this.

    I developed chronic fatigue syndrome after having glandular fever. That was in 1999 and I was sick for six years. Ever since then I’ve been trying to get myself back “up.” I also have a highly sensitive system, and so when a traumatic event happened last year – wham, my adrenal glands did their usual thing of just collapsing in a heap. I am still recovering from that.

    I have this really weird thing I’ve discovered (after now being divorced) that when I’m sick it’s like I’m a different person. I don’t know how to quite explain it. It feels like a lot of the stuff I have suppressed into my shadow side over the years because it wouldn’t be accepted comes out at those times. Which is, like, the shittiest timing ever. And it happens, consistently. Which is something to do with an old trauma that happened to me when my brother molested me, and then around about the same time I developed a really bad case of tonsillitis, and had to walk with my mum to the doctor’s surgery three days in a row to get penicillin injections in my bum. I realised a couple of years ago, all of a sudden, that I have been tying these two things together in my mind. It was like this revelation that came seemingly out of the blue. Ahhh, that explains a few things then! That explains why I feel so completely out of control when I’m not well, and get all obsessed over how I’m going to eat, and how my partner doesn’t look after me exactly as I want and a whole lot of control freaky things that make me totally able to understand this post you have written!!!

    Try and cut yourself some slack, Sam. You don’t have to be perfect. I know it feels like you do (it feels like I do too) but apparently you don’t. Being sick is a traumatic thing, especially when it is conditions that are long-standing in any way. It pushes all sorts of buttons, don’t it?

    I promise I will try and apply the same advice to myself that I’m giving you :)

    xo

    • Wow! You’ve made some huge connections, and your experience makes a lot of sense to me—how that supressed shadow side comes up. That really makes sense to me. Thank you for your wisdom expressed so clearly in your kind words. I will cut myself some slack. I think I will carry that exact phrase around with me “Cut Yourself Some Slack Sam.” That is the perfect phrase for me to tell myself. I’m glad you are going to apply the same advice to you, too. :) Your comment was very uplifting and encouraging, and I am sorry for your past sufferings. Here is to more and more healing, for you, me and all of us. Hugs, Sam :)

      • Sue says:

        Here to more healing for you, me and us all – yeah :)

        It’s funny, Sam, But I have just had such an awful day physically (got my period, at the end of a parasite cleanse). My partner is steering clear of me, which just makes me feel like I’m a monster. It’s SO much easier to give you the advice than it is to take my own – I guess it’s always hard being in that space of pain or illness. Especially in a society that denies it. I have been thinking today that all I *can* do today is to beat myself up as little as possible and to let whatever emotions come through come through (hence I’ve been crying and feeling depressed, which is generally how I feel when I’m not well). I suppose that shall have to be my own version of “cutting myself some slack.” I guess cutting yourself some slack also includes allowing yourself to “do” this badly. It’s so hard to allow that … but necessary. I feel so much peace when I get to that space :)

      • HUGS to you Sue!!! Oh, yes, easier to give others advice than to do for ourselves. I hear you. Yes, do not beat yourself up. Holding you in light. Sam

  11. Daniel says:

    You wrote exactly how I feel most of the time.

  12. gkinnard says:

    Sam, it’s okay to by down now and then. We all get that way. The moment WILL pass.

    It’s very difficult to try to enjoy life—to eat, work, play—while in pain. I know this from personal experience. I hope that most of your days are more up than down—and I’m betting that this is the case. I’ll be hoping and praying for you. You are a ray of sunshine even when you don’t feel the glow that emanates from within you!

    Wishing you a speedy return to balance!

    • Yes. This WILL pass. You are so right! Yes….to eat, work, and play while in pain….that’s it…hard to do. My days are more up than down. I do a lot to make sure of this. A whole heck of a lot. Probably why it’s hard for me on the days I can’t move much. Today got better and better. Yesterday and this morning, early day, were the worst of it. But later the sun came out, I watched what I ate, and kayaked for the first time!!!! :) Thank you for the prayers. They worked. Thank you for the ray of sunshine…..that’s very kind. Hugs my friend, Sam :)

  13. Sue Short says:

    Sorry sam wish I could help

    • Thank you so much. I am doing better. I watched what I ate today, and was able to enjoy the blue sky. I kayaked today for the first time. :))) I have hard days, but they always, always, get better. I just have to be patient and let go. And having friends like you helps. Hugs, Sam :)

  14. alpinedon says:

    I understand fully. I have often said how difficult it is to live with someone like me who has Asperger’s, and I feel so thankful to have found my partner, she is so patient and understanding and doesn’t expect me to be normal. The food thing, I get too. I suffered from severe chronic pain until a few months ago, and I lost 30 pounds over the winter because I could barely eat. It is hard. I wish you well, and hope you can find some relief from your pain especially, because it just makes everything harder to deal with when you are suffering.

    • Thank you so very much. I am glad you have found some relief. Moving into the summer I should start to feel better because of the heat. Thank you for commenting. I am happy you have a lady who supports you. Hugs, Sam :)

  15. David says:

    awe…sam…Although that cave sounds actually pretty nice, then we would be robbed of Sam and you of this symbiotic, forum of love…sending you positive thoughts, and huge healing hugs…

    • Doesn’t the cave sound nice? Sigh. Yes, how could I take away my “symbiotic, forum of love”? he he. You are so silly. Gladly take those thoughts and hugs. Sun is out, at least for now, so hopefully bright day ahead. Smiles, Sam :)

  16. alienhippy says:

    “I try to be very positive and uplifting—other people tend to be appreciative and accept me when I wipe on my smiling face. The problem occurs when I wipe off the smile; not everyone tends to stick around so readily when disgruntled Sam appears. Silly, really, how folks like the fair-weather Sam, and run from the storm in me—natural instinct I suppose. Maybe that’s why my good friends are the types that aren’t too much afraid of natural disasters: living in earthquake zones, flash flood areas, and potential tsunami states.”
    *************
    I read the whole of your post, listened to your songs and I love the sound of your cave, we are so alike in so many ways. About this paragraph I copied and pasted here in my comment.

    My lovely friend, you never have to wear a smile for me. I love my friends as family and I accept all parts of who they are, their ups and their downs. Autism causes me to live a life always looking in and never feeling part of what goes on. Friendship is something I never had as a child, I tried but no one ever understood me and I would get rejected and left out.
    I don’t live in an earthquake zones, flash flood areas, or potential tsunami state and I am afraid of natural disasters. BUT I think growing up in a family full of autism and now raising a family on the spectrum while being a dyslexic aspie myself is enough full on intensity to prepare me to never be just a fair-weather friend. I prayed for friendship all my life, my friends get stuck with me because I see each one of them as a gift from God.

    Yep…fair-weather ~Sam is fun, bright and breezy. She is full of light, hope and encouragement, she is wonderful. But even when you are not in your Aspie-happy, I still want to be part of your life and be there to help you process your many, many, many loops. It’s in your times of trial, shutdowns/meltdowns that God shines through. The love and creativity you have inside you to share is shown in your realness, in your open honesty and in you just being you.
    I love you just the way you are, the way God created you to be.
    Lees. xxx {{{hugs}}} <3

    • alienhippy says:

      Ooops…my comment is almost as long as your post.
      I’m such a big Aspie. LMHO ;)

    • What can I say to all of this??!!! Besides you TOTALLY ROCK!!! Life is very bright with you around, Cutie Pie. Even in my darkest weather, I have you my candle. Thank God everyday for our friendship and kinship. You’re the best.
      LMHO… you aspie. he he.
      Your comment really was so perfect and kind. Love and light to you across the ocean and miles. Can’t wait to meet you before I’m 50! :) Sam

  17. Oh Sam, I understand. I have tried telling my family and others, but they don’t quite get it. I hurt almost constantly. Has gone down from and 8 to a 5, but still hurts, still there. I wear out easily and get really frustrated because I can’t do simple things quickly nor as well as before.
    But I smile. I still love life and, yes, my new blogging friends make it easier. That’s probably why I keep on doing this even though it takes a lot of time.
    Love you all,
    Scott

    • Thank you for sharing. I am sorry to hear you have pain. I hope the number drops even lower than a 5. I think many of us share pains of all different sorts, and writing about mine to such a supportive community of souls, truly was healing. Sending you lots of light and happy thoughts. So glad you found the blogging world and that it assists you. Sissy Sam :)

  18. Sam the more i read about you more i feel we are twins separated at birth…
    i get you sista…having said that i have a theory

    have you noticed all three-
    1)Being married
    2) Eating food
    3) Moving my body
    require a lot of body movement( the last being obvious)
    we may have been sloths last life each used to hanging from tree,hardly moving,secluded not very social as that too would mean too much movement…and now instead of slow progressions God sent us as humans..ridiculous
    just consider what i said it will make sense
    ( am trying to cheer you up with a pathetic joke so please laugh)

  19. ~Lady Day says:

    Ah Sam…I wrote a long poem three days ago, about being a ‘tamed tiger’ …lol…did not hit publish on it…but get very well, for entirely different reasons why that cave…a perfect abode for us, caged and trained wild animals…get it perfectly. Hugs Dear Love xo

  20. solodialogue says:

    I swore I wrote a comment to this! I hate that feeling when you are going along so smoothly and something triggers a disruption in the flow. It is difficult to get back “in the groove”, you know? (How old I sound saying that!) Physical pain is the worst because it thrusts itself to the forefront of everything else and it’s very difficult to move it back aside. I send you good thoughts and prayers for a ceasing of the pain.

    And hmm – mere coincidence that your semi dark luxury cave sounds a lot like a resort in Maui? I remember the smell of the flowers and the sounds of nature there. So peaceful. I guess that’s why they call it paradise. You can go there in your mind. I hope that helps to ease some of the rough edges, my friend. xoxo

    • Yes, in my mind I visit Maui often, and hope to return in February. I know….that smooth running part is always a bit unnerving for me, as I’m kind of just waiting for that shoe to drop….sigh…trying to enjoy life without that feeling, though. This time I was only down with pain for about 30 hours. So not too bad. And had a great day today. Thanks for all of your kindness. :) Sam

  21. asperelse says:

    oh my…i’m soooo feeling you right now, Sam…i don’t know, but seems like my whole being is connecting to that persona…{{{{hugssss}}}}…guess we all have our “moments” and as for me…i’m stuck in a rut…i keep telling myself this will pass…it’s just a “moment” and i’m sure you’ll feel better soon, too :) thanks for sharing this…i will have to read more…hopefully catch up :) :)

    • HUGS {{{Double HUGS}}} and {{{{{Triple HUGS}}}}}} No pain or fatigue or sadness for you! All washed away. You smile girl. You are such a bright light. Yes….just a moment…this too shall pass. Love your heart, girl! ~ Sam

  22. runnermom79 says:

    We all have those times in life. Hold tight to the fact that you are not alone in this crazy journey of life and that when you emerge from the cave a new day filled with potential will be waiting for you!

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