Image found at takealeftatthemoon.blogspot.com
This is tailored to adults who have Aspergers and recently were diagnosed, but the list can apply to many ages and many conditions other than Aspergers Syndrome.
20 Things Not to Say to a Person with Aspergers
1. Everyone feels like that sometimes.
2. Everything happens for a reason.
3. You’re fine. They have too many labels nowadays.
4. That reminds me of me. I wonder if I have that too.
5. Things could always be worse.
6. At least you don’t have autism.
7. Don’t worry. Be happy. Think Positive.
8. That’s no big deal.
9. You’re too serious. Get out of your head and help others.
10. Everyone has problems. Stop analyzing yours.
11. I never would have guessed. You seem so normal.
12. Are you sure? Maybe you need a second opinion.
13. Why do you think that?
14. That’s weird. Good luck.
15. Aren’t you glad you found out?
16. That’s so trendy. Everyone thinks they have that.
17. Did you get an “official” diagnosis?
18. I’m uncomfortable with people classifying themselves by a diagnosis.
19. My cousin’s neighbor has Aspergers.
20. Well, now that you know, stop focusing on it, and get on with your life.
15 Beneficial Approaches in Response to “I have Aspergers”
1. Offer a warm smile and nod. Listen and comprehend.
2. I’m on your side. I’m here for you. You are not alone. I am here to stay.
3. Where can I find more information?
4. You are a strong person. I love you for being you.
5. Make a friendly call or send a friendly text or email.
6. What can I do? Tell me specifically. I want to help anyway I can.
7. Ask the person on a long walk, a picnic, or other excursion.
8. Scream it out together.
9. Do you need my support? How can I support you specifically?
10. Go to a matinee or rent a movie about Aspergers.
11. Sincerely compliment the person.
12. Validate. This is a big deal!
13. Read personal accounts about living with Aspergers.
14. Thank you for confiding in me and trusting me. I am honored to know you.
15. If you are comfortable, can you tell me more about your experience with Aspergers?
© Everyday Aspergers, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. http://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com
Side Note: If you tell someone you have fibromyalgia, diabetes, heart disease, or depression, people usually don’t ask if you have an official diagnosis. But if you tell someone you have Aspergers, many people want to know how you know for sure. Interesting.
Another comment NOT to make, especially if the Aspie has “Cool-Morbid” conditions and, honestly, Who Doesn’t? Don’t tell them that they are going to DIE since the Day they were BORN….doesn’t seem to help.
Goofy! But true.
This is wonderful! Thank you for posting it. You’re right, it does apply to a number of conditions. I love the suggestions!!! I’ve been on the receiving end of some unhelpful things said, and I really wish to say the helpful things to others. I have fibromyalgia and am recovering from breast cancer, and the right words at the right time go a long ways towards making a person feel cared about!
You are welcome. I know the challenges of fibromyalgia. I am sorry for your struggles; I am pleased to hear you are recovering. The right words make a world of difference, don’t they. Thank you for commenting. Much love, Sam
I haaaate #16. That’s the response I get when I mention my husband has Aspergers. Not only is it completely rude and ridiculous, it’s also them just repeating the ignorance they’ve heard because they don’t know what else to say.
I know. Right? The things that people say. Of course, I’m sure I’ve said a few in my life. Live and learn.
Way to go, Sam! People need to know these things. I learned a lot of them by trial and error; students in my classes and in the school who had problems of some sort. Aspergers is not the only disability that these suggestions would help. In fact, the suggestions you made (well, most of them, anyway) would help people who are merely alive. We could all use validation and nice comments and company, instead of downplaying the situation, ignoring the problem, or insulting our intelligence. Thanks, again.
Scott
Oh! I hadn’t thought of that. You are so spot on. Yes, people who are merely alive. Right on. You summarized this well. Your students were blessed to have you. Thank you. Have to get to your blog soon. Took a few days off, because of health stress. Hugs. Sam
Thank you Sam.
You are very welcome, Liane.
Thanks for your post! I shared it on FB. The suggestions for benificial approaches made me cry… Almost nobody responds that way and that really makes me sad sometimes…
We are all still learning how to respond to things we don’t understand. I am sorry that you have not received beneficial support from others. I know the sadness. Big hugs to you! I appreciate your honesty. Sam
“16. That’s so trendy. Everyone thinks they have that.” OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TALK ABOUT HAVING BAD MANNERS ……..
OR JUST NO WAY OF COMMUNICATING WITH EMPATHY ……..
!!!!!!!!!!
I LIKE THIS ONE ….
“14. Thank you for confiding in me and trusting me. I am honored to know you.”
NOW THAT IS A KIND HUMAN RESPONSE ….
XOXO
CAT
People have actually said the trendy comment to me. Silly. I like #14, too. You are right on, as it being a human response.
Thanks, Sam
HONEY ……..
SERIOUSLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
C’MON PEOPLE …….
WAKE UP …..
EVERYONE IS UNIQUE ……..
KINDNESS IS SO DANGGGGGGGGGG SIMPLE .
BE RESPECTFUL – HAVE GOOD MANNERS AND HONOUR EVERY LIVING BEING FOR WHOIM THEY ARE —- IN HEART XO
CAT XX
If they’d made the “that’s so trendy” comment t me, I would have snorted and rolled my eyes and said “I was OFFICIALLY DIAGNOSED with Asperger’s LONG before it was considered trendy.”
PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE ———
ALWAYS WATCHING FOR TRENDS AND THEN ULTIMATELY – NOT UNDERSTANDING –
WILL TRY TO PUT A SPIN ON IT ………
PEOPLE IN THE MEDIA ALWAYS SEEM TO DO THAT ….
Sam! You are awesome! Yet some other wonderful lists!
These three:
11. Sincerely compliment the person.
12. Validate. This is a big deal!
13. Read personal accounts about living with Aspergers.
Oh, boy! I am hugging your words right now. And the first 20 you have listed — OMG! Yes, I never know how to respond when those things are said to me. The one that really throws me is when someone says :”Well we all have a little bit of Asperger’s don’t we?” In a kind of condescending, or matter-of-fact way.
I want to yell at them “NO! Freak!” I know I shouldn’t call people freak, but that is the nicest word that comes to mind. Lol! Lots of shiny bubble hugs to you!!
Yes, and we all have a little bit of __________ (insert any condition/syndrome/traits). What a goober-filled comment for people to make. That would be a good title for a post: No! Freak! LOL Lots of bubbles back and thanks for the sweet words. Now stop stressing over your spelling/words/missing words. You have enough to think about.
Sam
Hehehe ” freak” that’s great! You SHOULD totally start doing that Angel!
Great list Sam I got 11th and 19th of what not to say a lot…
oh really but your daughter looks so normal..then there was this one neighbour everyday first thing in the morning she would ask me did you daughter start talking..then one day i told her whenever she does you will be notified first till then dont ask…
I am glad you made this list…
hey btw have to share with you this totally original one of its kind quiery i got once-
“isn’t asperger a vegetable used in salad”
(she meant asparagus)
Oh my goodness about that neighbor. People really don’t understand, sometimes, do they? “Isn’t asperger a vegetable…” LOL! Thanks Soma. Glad your daughter has you! You get it. Hugs.
We get the “but she looks so normal” response a lot, in regards to our daughter. As if when you’re diagnosed, the word autism magically appears across your forehead or something. Talking to my cousin, who was recently diagnosed with Aspergers, it’s amazing how close we’ve become just by sharing so many of the same traits. Neither of us “look” Aspie, but that’s the great things about us Aspies, he gets to have his traits and I get to have mine and we get to compare notes LOL
I have it branded on my face; don’t you? lol That’s so awesome you can compare notes with your cousin. There are pros and cons to having an invisible “condition.” Thanks for the comment.
Sam
Almost everyone I’ve told I have Asperger’s has said “Really? You seem so normal. How do you know? Who diagnosed you?”
I expect it’s the negative connotation people associate with Asperger’s. But I’m stewing on a post myself, about how Asperger’s might be a genetic mutation that is reinforced for the GOOD of our species!
Yep. But not with other syndromes. No one said that to me about depression or fibromyalgia. I have a few theories on Aspergers myself…especially after hearing the deep thoughts and profound wisdom my middle son says.
Hugs, Sam 
I love you and I love your lists.
Can I add my three favourites, that have all pushed me to meltdown.
1. “Lisa, get your nose out of the psychology book and into theology books, we are all a little bit autistic!”
2. “I know you are not coping with the change, that is because you have aspergers and I have taken you out of your comfort zone. You will adapt, you just need to stick at it!”
3. “Yes..you have a lot of Aspie traits but you are clever enough not to be Aspie!”
Does anyone else want to scream with me about these…Arrrrrrrgh…..LOL
I am so going to share this post.
Love you loads.
Lees. xxx
Arrrrrrrrgh! Screaming with you, my friend! Thank you for sharing. xoxox
Oh I love you lees x
xoxox
Hang on clever enough not to be an aspie? That is absurd intelligence is an excellent aspie trait!
One day I’m gonna ask them “Please tell me what _____ looks like! I’m dying to know.” That would be rude and I can’t bring myself to be rude to people (most of the time).
That would be a fun post—-all the things I wished I could say. lol. I try not to be rude, myself, but sometimes I play it out in my mind.
Sam….Brilliant!!!!! Loved every word of this post and the what to do list at the end was fabulous .
I’m speaking as an NT but even as the mother of 2 kiddos on the spectrum I HATE it when these things are said or inferred.
Oh yeah….sorry to clutter up your comments…but whenever people tell me that my boys don’t look like they have autism….I tell them that their kids don’t look “normal” either….totally shuts them up!!!
lol
You’ve got spunk!
Hi,
Was passing by and loved this one!
Thanks
Shakti
Thanks for passing through.
And for the comment. Take Care. ~ Sam
Yay! I am so sharing this!
Forgive me while I get caught up on my comments, too! I am so happy to have you as a buddy!
Lori
Glad you like this one. Hugs Bud!
Sam
This is absolutely a “must share” and thank you very much for this post, Sam
I’d love to share it with everybody out there…very nice of you to write something very important and true information regarding Asperger’s…an FYI to those who know very little or nothing about Asperger’s…love the side note…love the MJ song 
BRILLIANT!!!! always nice to know i’m not alone…thanks for the friendship, Sam 
{{{{HUGSSSS}}}}
Super. Glad it was helpful. Hugs to you.
Sam
I have a 14 year old son with Asperger’s, and one thing I really get sick of, is when people tell me I make allowances for him because of it. I find they are ignorant people and they should read up on Asperger’s to know how to deal with a person with it. I do not make allowances for him, as I think that he will be living in the real world of adults one day, and no one will make allowances for him out there, so why would I confuse him more and let him think that everyone will make allowances for him, when in reality………they won’t. I just live with it, deal with it, and get by with it. It is difficult living with a Asperger’s child, but they have a wonderful heart of gold, and I wouldn’t change that for the world. I love you my son. xxx
Yes. Wonderful hearts of gold. My 14 year old son with Aspergers is a beautiful soul full of much wisdom. Thank you for reading and your comment. Sam
You are such a supportive mom….awesome..I was on a dating site and I came up with the idea of telling anyone that seemed interested to read up on “women with Aspergers” if they were still interested after their research go ahead and contact me…..I am tired of dealing with the Ignorance and the tiresome explanations when I do something someone considers “off”.
And I must agree that we are difficult humans to live with because of our ways of thinking.
take care!
Becca
Just now seeing this comment. Thank you for sharing. Hope the dating site has worked well for you.
I think most of the people are ignorant about Aspergers,when they come to know about someone they just don’t know how to react ,they may not meant to hurt but actually hurt with their unawareness. Loved every word of your post..
Yes… hurt with unawareness. I think most people don’t mean to hurt… at least I hope so
I think you are right, they just don’t know how to react.
In my country, the most annoying thing people tell me when I tell them I have aspergers, is “did you know that guy who killed [a very famous national politician] has that too?…” Thank you very much for comparing me to a complete nut job….that’s not hurtful at all! (insert sarcasm mark here)….
Oh, sorry to hear that. Yes, that would be bothersome! ~ Sam
I’vue been reading Eat Love Pray–sobbing and laughing for a week — I’m about to be diagnosed. I’ve had to educate my shrink———–he fhought all Aspies were like Rainman–most don’t have a clue about the activity all over the brain, all the time, in AS females. We’re rare., 1 out of 4.6%. Anyone see TEMPLE GRANDON, the movie? I hate this computer, it’s like a demon child, jumping all over the paragraphs, spitting out letters up, down, left right, everywhere, scattered randomly like grains in a keyboard’s sandstorm …. at least it’s not BASEBALL sized hail, happening today in a stormy midwest… tornado …We are so lucky in the Hawaiian islands 4–28-12 . I’m grieving for not just people, but all wild things and domestic pets–ALL LIFE in the midwest…sister moon child of right brain relaxation dominance…–.
PS Afraid of caving to Dr’s insistance to start on anti-depressants…Afraid it will kill my art spirit that paints incredibly for me..meanwhile I watch, as observer. Anxiety about it ,(#1), and (#2), am off the meloncholy …after a miracle–this week, it’s was the first, over the top squirting eyes, Niagra response, dealing with lucid dreams about my son, as a bewildered child and slight delay in the loss of Aaron–my only child, who passed in 1987. Any suggestions? So happy to find this site. I hope. Sismoonchild
As far as ante-depressants go, if it were me, I would seek out a doctor that I highly value the opinion of, and do some research on types of anti-deppressants. I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is the hardest experience of a parent. I hope my blog helps you in someway. Much love to you, Sam
Loved Eat Love Pray–read the book and saw the movie three times.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing some of you. Hope all goes well. Sam 
Rainman? Wow, he is really unexposed to Aspergers!
Temple Grandin has autism. There is a difference, but there are similarities.
Yes, visually, computers can be hard on the senses.
We are going to Maui in 10 days.
Sorry for your sadness over the people in the midwest—
just wanted to say that i liked this. and that the image used to illustrate is not a wolf, but a siberian huskie – wolves do not have, in fact cannot have eyes of different color.
Oh, cool. I didn’t know that.
Thanks for the comment and for letting us know.
now, my wife, says it is most definitely an arctic fox… (probably farmed for its fur, as those foxes get all kinds of genetic defects, such as different colored eyes – something that does not occur in the wild) in which case i was wrong, and need to apologize. what we are both certain of is that it is not a wolf,
Okay. Thanks. It’s a lovely creature.
Sam
yes:)
Hey Sam… I can relate to this post, even not having Asbergers, but as one with chronic debilitating conditions. I can tweak your words just a tad and have a perfect one of my own to hand out to friends and family!!! Thank you for composing such an important post~ Sending hugs ~RL
I have chronic health conditions….actually trying to take out “chronic” to prepare for a better mind set of future healing…I hear you LOUD and clear! So glad you can relate. Appreciate your words.
Sam
And a actually — many of your listed points I would not have to change at all!!
As someone who finally in my 30′s seems to of pin-pointed my social difficulty as Aspergers (still need an official diagnosis but I hit 95%+ of the symptoms, and I had a gift in college made other students envious/jealous/appreciative I would always try to help)
I would say going through life with people always asking the person next to me “why is HE so quiet” like im not directly in front of them, spending every day wondering if I was born with “whatever” it is or if “nurture” was the cause. This is pure hell.
If you think someone has any condition you should talk to them privately (pride is important) and explain that there is hope for a happy life, and that they dont have to do it alone. There is therapy available that can help teach how to socialize.
Good point. Talk to the person in private.
Thanks for sharing. Yes, there are therapies available. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. Sam
I have heard some of it. My parents used to tell me I could have had something worse like be crippled or be like my old friend who has Down’s syndrome. They don’t see my AS as a big deal despite the stress I had put them through. I have been told I am lucky I found out sooner or that I am diagnosed. I have also gotten “you seem normal” from random people online and in real life. I have always taken that as a compliment TBH because as a child I was called retarded by kids and made fun of for it so normal was finally the right word than being accused of having mental retardation. At least if they think I am normal, they will treat me with respect.
Oh yeah being told you are mild just because you are talking well to them. I say “Put more people in our conversation and then I would have difficulty.” I am mild of course but to assume someone is mild based on how much they talk is absurd because I have noticed that people with AS either talk and not shut up or hardly ever talk and don’t get a word out.
I would also add “You don’t seem that autistic.” What is that supposed to mean?
I am sorry for your pain and anything from your past that hurt you. Life can be hard, especially with a special need or challenge such as ASD. I appreciate you sharing your story and what happened to you. “You don’t seem autistic….” sigh…yes, I have heard people say those words about others. Sad, indeed. I hope now you have more support and the understanding of people who love you. Blessings and light to you.
Sam
i disagree with a few of them….
“That reminds me of me. I wonder if I have that too.”
Why is it wrong for another person to think they are aspergers/autistic as well? A few people have thanked me because we’ve got out an autism alert card and both decided they are likely to be autistic as well as me. That has helped them.
“Why do you think that?”
Educating others can be done by answering this question.
“Aren’t you glad you found out?”
Thats the other person indicating what a relief it is to know you’re autistic/asperger.
“My cousin’s neighbour has Aspergers.”
i would find that sort of conversation interesting in fact my immediate reaction was ‘let me meet them!’ My longest friendship was because i told some friends i am Aspergers and another guy told me he is too.
i do agree with the other ones in fact they annoy me the number of times i get told them.
Good points. I think it depends on the situation, the tone and intention.
Thanks for your reply, unfortunately yes it does depend on the situation and tone.
I got some anti autism stuff thrown at me because I keep talking about my problems. He also told me that I talk about my autism more than anything else. I kept getting rejected by my actions, i tend to remind people im autistic when they say something that is against autism.
When I told him he was “ignorant about autism” he told me to “piss off” because he took it that i meant he’s ignorant in general.
Tempted to print out the autism alert card and this blog and give it to him at the next meeting (it’s for a different disability to me).
I feel your annoyance. I never had any luck with this kind of thing,
either. So relieved to find out I am not by myself!
Thank you for the comment. Nope, you are not alone.
Sam
I love this post. Thank you so very much.
You are most welcome
Hello Asperger’s Girls,
I just had something similar to Number 16 however in the form of Everybody has some form of Asperger’s Syndrome. Grrrr
Can I please use the link to this thread to post back to them? I read somewhere about having to seek your permission before using any materials from your site.
Kind Regards
Lionelgee
links are fine
)) just not copy and pasting. Feel free to link back, and thank you for your comment and for asking. Best wishes.
I love this- so true! Thanks for posting
You are welome.
Excellent list! I’ve heard many of those….. from many people the ‘but you’re so NORMAL!’ Actually, I’ve learned to PRETEND to be normal, mimicking others so well, that I can keep up the charade for a few hours at a time. But sooner or later I’ll say something totally ‘off’ or ‘rude’ to somebody, and get those glares from my husband or daughters. Which is why I have stopped going to parties with them.
But after being finally diagnosed at the age of 50, after struggling with suicidal thoughts from the age of eight, and literally almost being bullied to death in school and some work places, then to hear from my MINISTER at church of all people, “Well, now that you know, stop focusing on it, and get on with your life.”…… I was SO mad at him for saying that, and I told him so.
I will be 60 next month, but my husband has still not given up on changing me to be more ‘normal’, more like him.
Well, I don’t want to be like him! He is one of those fanatical Christians, who is one of the most judgmental people I know. He is probably more self-righteous than the Pharisees, too.
I have managed to raise five kids…… looking back I wonder how I ever managed to do that and survive. I love them and our 17 grandchildren dearly, but have to make myself visit, and allowing them to visit. But the hardest thing is, that my husband has started his own home-based business several years ago, so he is there almost all the time. He is a control freak, and wants to control my every step.
I hate the phone, and prefer to communicate online……. but he regularly says, “Don’t you think it would be a good idea for you to put a limit of, let’s say, one hour a day, on your Internet time?” Ummmmm, no, it wouldn’t be. The Internet is where I do all my research on the subjects I am most interested in right now (my current obsessions), and I’d feel completely lost if suddenly I couldn’t do that.
Now, if I travel, not having a computer doesn’t really bother me at all. But when it is available I see absolutely no good reason to limit my own access. Especially not on the ‘advice’ of a man who is mostly computer illiterate, and only views the computer as a tool for his work, and nothing more.
Okay, here I go on one of my rants…… oh well, I am sure you understand.
I have asked to join your facebook group….. I don’t want to say what my facebook name is here, for obvious reasons. But the first name will be the same. My picture is me, almost sixty, auburn hair, holding a grandchild. Please add me! I could use some support.
Nice to meet you. I shall see you in group.
That, and “God never gives you more than you can handle.” or “He chose you to be special.” And I HATE the phone too.
oh, yes…nothing like those.
thanks for sharing.
I’ve dealt with #11. It also has another ending, “You seem so smart.” People don’t seem to understand the difference between intellect and emotional processing. Glad I found your blog.
Subsequently after looking at a number of the blog posts on your page (for almost 2),
hours I seriously like your approach to blogging.
I added it as a favorite it to my bookmark website list and will be checking back in the near future.
Be sure to visit my web site too and tell me how you feel.